We Lost Our Daughter, Who Was Never Ours.

I am entering these posts into the blog during the summer of 2017.  These entries were taken from handwritten journals that I kept during our first adoptions.  We had a failed adoption from Guatemala at the end of 2002.  Cam entered our lives in the very first days of 2003 through domestic adoption, quite a bit of pain was endured during that time.  If only I had known then what I know now.  

Today we officially stopped Madi’s adoption.  I’m writing this in the last page of this journal.  That seems so fitting.  It was a horrible decision to make, but it had to be made.  The agency will not let us contact embassies ourselves in Madi’s case.  We have no way of knowing then if her birth mom really does want to make an adoption plan for her, or if this is trafficking?

We can’t do that.  We can’t do this without transparency.

The agency says that because we chose to end the adoption, they won’t be refunding any of our money.  My parents are paying for a lawyer for us.  We will sit down the lawyer next week and see what we can do.  If we can’t get that money back, then we won’t be parents.  We didn’t want to chance a pregnancy because of my health and how hard it would be on me.  Maybe that would have been a better answer?  We were so afraid that I would be out of work the entire time I was on bed rest.  We depend on my income.

But, now we’ve lost our life savings!

Our social worker won’t give us our home study, the approved and paid for one.  She says it is still approved, but it is “on hold” until we complete six months of therapy for our obvious anxiety.

She is giving us the anxiety!!!

I don’t know what will happen now.  I question every choice we made.  Should we have just kept going with the adoption.  I don’t know.

We are heartbroken.

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