I have felt that way all day. I have survivor guilt. A family that I know and love lost their son, who happens to just be my son’s age, a classmate of his. It could have been my son. Why wasn’t it? Was it just luck that it wasn’t? Is everything that random? Seth’s family doesn’t believe in random, but they don’t understand the grand plan either. So, I continued to wrestle with this odd feeling of “luck” today. I’m lucky that my kids are alive, but nothing has moved on their adoption. As I walked out to the mailbox I looked up to the heavens and repeated my daily mantra of “God, I know you have your timing in all of this, but could you see fit to have the time be NOW? Please! Thank you”. Then, I open the mailbox and, daily, my heart falls into my gut. Stupid, elusive piece of paper.
Inside the mailbox was the usual child care equipment magazines, adds from realtors for houses that have recently sold in the neighborhood, a bill or two and…hang on, there is an odd little manila bubble mailer. I flipped it over and immediately recognized it. Something that I forgot was coming this week. The first Lucky Hill Mom’s necklace that a friend helped me custom design. My heart dropped further into my gut. With my adoption not moving, and Seth’s family just having lost him, it doesn’t seem like the time for a celebratory piece of jewelry. I had to make myself open it. And, it was if God slapped me in the face. For a moment, I had forgotten what we chose to inscribe on it.
At first, I wanted to chuck it into the snow. What kind of cruel joke is this? Then I realized how dense I am. The word “lucky” has been running through my head all day. Why? Because I have five healthy, happy kids at home, because I have two healthy kids in Ghana, because I don’t live in Haiti? Yes. All of the above make me incredibly lucky. But, I’m also lucky because I’m one of the few blessed people who got the pleasure of sharing Seth with his family. I got to watch his face light up as I told him he had a family in America. I got to watch him hug his new mom for the first time. I got to watch him get in line twice for a glow stick, or a granola bar, or basically anything else we were handing out (including vitamins). I’m lucky to have known him. The necklace immediately went back into a new little bubble mailer and is headed to a new home, right where it belongs, to Seth’s mom. She never doubts how lucky she is to have gotten to call him her son. Not exactly a celebratory piece of jewelry, but “lucky” takes on a whole new meaning now.
I had been having so much trouble thinking of an inscription for the necklace’s counterpart for the little girls. This smaller version is meant for the daughters who have mothers and sisters “lucky” enough to call them theirs. Right after I re-packaged the first necklace, I called my friend who designed the necklace and told her what the little necklace’s inscription would read…FOREVER. In honor of all the kids who have found their forever family. And, in honor of Seth, who found a forever family before he left the Earth and who waits for them now in heaven so they can be together, forever.
who can’t wait to take a pic of Bubbly in her new Seth inspired necklace.