You’re Only Human.

I have a whole post about TBRI training yesterday, specifically about connecting which is a key component to TBRI.  Connection.  I had to work HARD on that, hence the upcoming post.

Before I hit publish on my connecting post though, and I will, first thing tomorrow morning, I just want to send a little message to all of you.  I like to live post a lot of what I’m being taught at this training via Facebook.  I see the comments and PMs about these posts and my heart sinks just a little.

“I’m so tired, Becky.  I don’t know that I can do this with this kid anymore.”

“This is sucking the life out of me.”

“I don’t feel like I’m a very good mom.”

“How will we EVER get past their past?”

I have replied so many times with a question in answer to your questions.  I often ask “Tell me what you’re doing for yourself? What does self-care look like for you?”

I almost never get a reply.  You’re doing nothing for yourself.  This lifestyle, and it is a lifestyle change to heal your child, is sucking everything right out of you.  If you don’t put something back in, you won’t make it.  Your marriage will suffer.  Your family will suffer.

You will break.  

Maybe you don’t need to get past their past?  Maybe that’s not possible.

Maybe you just need to stop living in it.

And, maybe, as you learn what letting go of it looks like, you need to give yourself a little grace.  You need grace to allow yourself some self-care.  You need grace to know that NONE of this is your fault.  Their past certainly isn’t your fault.  Their behavior isn’t either.  It’s not even leveled at you, it only feels that way.

Self-care for me comes in the form of running.  I strap on my shoes like armor and I run.  As I do it, I clench and unclench my fists.  I think about all the things my kids did that day that pissed the absolute hell out of me, and then I let them go.  I let them go into the sweat.  Sometimes, I let them go into the tears.

I have rituals too.  You’ll learn more about those tomorrow for your kids, but I have mine too.  In the last half mile of my run, no matter how long I’ve been going, I crank up the same song on repeat.  The song might change, but it’s always a song that speaks to me about my kids, and what they’ve lived through, and are now learning to live with.

Lately, everything has felt like my fault too.

I am only human.  Sometimes, I forget to practice what I preach.  Lately behaviors feel personal, and I feel like a failure too.  That’s why I’m here now, at this training.  My head knows I’m not failing, but my heart sings a different story.  So, Rag’n’Bone Man’s ‘Human’ resonated and has become the recent ritual.  The volume goes up at the same time the speed on the treadmill does.  All there is left is the beat in my ears and the thump of my shoes against the belt.

I’m only human
I make mistakes
I’m only human 
That’s all it takes
To put the blame on me
Don’t put the blame on me

I’m no prophet or Messiah
Should go looking somewhere higher
I’m only human after all
I’m only human after all
Don’t put the blame on me
Don’t put the blame on me

I’m only human 
I do what I can
I’m just a man 
I do what I can
Don’t put the blame on me
Don’t put your blame on me

I’m only human
I’m only, I’m only
I’m only human, human

You’re only human.  They are too.  One foot in front of the other.  One step at a time.  Together.

–FullPlateMom, who sometimes lets herself forget all this too easily.

 

 

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