I will fight for you.

I was talking to someone rather important in my life today who told me something I found rather startling. I was explaining while although her kind offers to babysit our children a few hours a week were appreciated, it just couldn’t be done right now. I explained the idea of attachment, and how Bubbles needs to learn to trust us to provide her basic needs. This person, because they just love to give their opinion, told me that at some point I would just have to let nature take its course and that if attachment damage was done to Bubbles before she came home, well, it wasn’t my fault. We should just deal with it then. So, I shouldn’t be afraid to leave her with other people and give her the opportunity to love and trust other care providers.

PICK UP A BOOK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. I want to shout this at my husband, and this person, and everyone else who is frustrating me with their “you have to leave her at some point” mentality. SHE HAS BEEN HOME FOR ONE MONTH. I DON’T WANT TO. I don’t want to enroll her in preschool, even though she likes the idea of school. I don’t want to leave her with a sitter. I don’t want to. I want a healthy daughter. I want a daughter that trusts me and knows that I’m there to give her love, food, and comfort. I know when I need a break, and then I have FPD to take over. I know my limits, this isn’t my first kid. But, this is a child that I made a commitment to fight for. I don’t think irreparable damage was done in her past, but she has had trauma. And, I need her to know that I’m not a temporary care provider the way everyone else has been. Her birth mother, then her birth father, then the staff of Lucky Hill. In two years of life, that’s a lot of people in and out. I’m grateful for all of them, but all these people marched through her life leaving some sadness behind when they left. She doesn’t trust that we won’t send her back or leave her. She doesn’t trust that this abundance of food won’t run out, or that she won’t open her closet to find her precious shoes gone. She doesn’t trust yet.

I believe she will. I believe that if I fight every single day to earn her trust that the hurt that was left behind will fade. I have to believe it will. I just never expected this kind of pressure, or this total lack of respect for how I feel about this. I just never expected it. But, I’m going to stand my ground. If you don’t want to pick up a book, that’s fine, but don’t tell me how to parent. I’m doing it the best way I know how. If, at the end of this road, I didn’t do it right, or the damage becomes to much for me to repair on my own, I won’t throw up my hands and say “oh well”. This is my daughter, and even when she’s 50, I’ll continue to fight for her. After all, who wouldn’t fight to see this little face become a really strong, healthy and whole adult.

–FullPlateMom,
who feels remarkably better after that little pep talk to herself.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. A friend of mine adopted 6 daughters from Liberia, and 5 children from the Detroit foster system. She believes that it takes the same amount of time with you as the child was in the “negative attachment” situation. Does that make sense? So Bubble spent two years without the steady attachment she needed, so it’ll be two years before you can assume that she’s attached to you. Keep it up! You’re awesome! You’re doing exactly what she needs: as much of you as physically possible!If your husband isn’t into books, RADKID.org is a great site with lots of info in a mush more quickly-accessible format than most books.

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  2. MommyBrec says:

    My older sister has Reactive Attachment Disorder. Don’t tell me you don’t need to be with this child as much as possible! I am SO PROUD of you for going with what you KNOW to be the right thing for your daughter! Attachment is SOOOO important, as it sounds like you well know. Keep going! I am so glad you came here and posted how you felt. Thank you for sharing! 😀 Breclyn

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  3. Why do I think I should post a permanent link to this post on my blog? I can already see this happening, and Precious isn’t even home yet! I’ve had the same difference of opinion with various family members on the value of picking up a book or two, so I feel much better after your pep talk, too. Thanks!Bubbles looks very happy, so keep doing it your way and she’ll just get better and better.

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  4. Shelley says:

    YOU are the mother and you know what is right for your child. They need to respect YOUR decisions as HER mother….you don’t tell THEM how to parent. People who arent in this situation don’t understand. Even those of us IN the situation have issues with it, but we KNOW because we have the mother’s instinct, what is right for our children. Good Luck FPM I think you are awesome!

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  5. Adrienne says:

    You go MAMA. Mothers are blessed to know what is best for their family. Prayers for you to have the strength you need and the patience for those who offer their opinions.Which books would you recommend for those looking into adopting toddlers and older children?

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  6. I want to offer you my support, I went through a similar situation with our now adopted foster son and extended family members. He is now securely attached-in the end that is all that matters and family members have long forgotten how mean I was and now can have that relationship with him. Good for you!

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