I was talking to someone rather important in my life today who told me something I found rather startling. I was explaining while although her kind offers to babysit our children a few hours a week were appreciated, it just couldn’t be done right now. I explained the idea of attachment, and how Bubbles needs to learn to trust us to provide her basic needs. This person, because they just love to give their opinion, told me that at some point I would just have to let nature take its course and that if attachment damage was done to Bubbles before she came home, well, it wasn’t my fault. We should just deal with it then. So, I shouldn’t be afraid to leave her with other people and give her the opportunity to love and trust other care providers.
PICK UP A BOOK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. I want to shout this at my husband, and this person, and everyone else who is frustrating me with their “you have to leave her at some point” mentality. SHE HAS BEEN HOME FOR ONE MONTH. I DON’T WANT TO. I don’t want to enroll her in preschool, even though she likes the idea of school. I don’t want to leave her with a sitter. I don’t want to. I want a healthy daughter. I want a daughter that trusts me and knows that I’m there to give her love, food, and comfort. I know when I need a break, and then I have FPD to take over. I know my limits, this isn’t my first kid. But, this is a child that I made a commitment to fight for. I don’t think irreparable damage was done in her past, but she has had trauma. And, I need her to know that I’m not a temporary care provider the way everyone else has been. Her birth mother, then her birth father, then the staff of Lucky Hill. In two years of life, that’s a lot of people in and out. I’m grateful for all of them, but all these people marched through her life leaving some sadness behind when they left. She doesn’t trust that we won’t send her back or leave her. She doesn’t trust that this abundance of food won’t run out, or that she won’t open her closet to find her precious shoes gone. She doesn’t trust yet.
I believe she will. I believe that if I fight every single day to earn her trust that the hurt that was left behind will fade. I have to believe it will. I just never expected this kind of pressure, or this total lack of respect for how I feel about this. I just never expected it. But, I’m going to stand my ground. If you don’t want to pick up a book, that’s fine, but don’t tell me how to parent. I’m doing it the best way I know how. If, at the end of this road, I didn’t do it right, or the damage becomes to much for me to repair on my own, I won’t throw up my hands and say “oh well”. This is my daughter, and even when she’s 50, I’ll continue to fight for her. After all, who wouldn’t fight to see this little face become a really strong, healthy and whole adult.
who feels remarkably better after that little pep talk to herself.