it’s getting REALLY hard to wait for our kids.  I’m waiting for a dumb little piece of paper now with fingerprint appointment times on it.  Then we’ll wait for a dumb little piece of paper from the U.S. saying that we have approval to adopt the two we’ve already set our hearts on.  I have a friend over there now who let me talk on the phone to them yesterday.  They didn’t say much besides “yes” and “I am fine”.  My friend is watching out for them when their mother can’t, which is a lot lately.  I’m just sick when I think about what will happen when my friend leaves.  They go back to parenting themselves.  I sit, worry and wonder how much damage is being done while I’m twiddling my thumbs waiting for this piece of paper.  Then, I feel guilty.

I feel guilty because while we’re waiting for those pieces of paper we will divert our attention with things like Christmas vacation and then a two week trip to Florida.  We have food on our table.  We open our closets and there are more than just two changes of clothing.  We’ll go sit on Santa’s lap and make a Gingerbread Train.  We’ll go to church and see the live Nativity and do all the things we do to celebrate Christmas as a family.  What will they do?  Nothing out of the ordinary, and ordinary for them would be shocking to you and I.  I’m torn.  If these were my only children I would hop on a plane and wait it out with them.  They’re not though.  I have five here, one of whom spends every waking second with me in hopes that someday, in the not too distant future, she will firmly attach to FPD and I.  But, I have two there who need me more.  But, I have a job here.  A job that pays for the house and the trip and the college they will someday attend.  But, they’re suffering over there SO much.  Do you see the pattern I endure?

So, I’m back where I was last spring, panicking about things that I absolutely can’t control.  I panicked with Bubbly, and I’m panicking now with our Ghana duo.  I didn’t have the added pressure of feeling like Bubbly was unhappy.  She played in the dirt, rode on people’s backs, got the frequent swat to the backside when she victimized others, but was all and all a happy, oblivious little girl.  My two over there now aren’t happy.   They know we’re coming, they just can’t understand why it’s not now.

who wishes that “now” would come a little sooner.

2 thoughts on “Honestly…

  1. Torn is the worst feeling…torn between two countries, obligations, children. This is your test. It stinks. I know. I remember….and I can empathize. I’m SOOOO sorry. In the meantime, you do what you have to do and try to stay sane. I’ll be praying for them and for you and your family…that you can all be together soon.

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