Have you ever been so angry about something that the people around you become collateral damage? I’m there. There is one person in my child’s past, one who hurt her terribly, that I hate. That’s right, I hate him. I don’t ever “hate” anyone. Intense dislike maybe, but hatred? Never. But, I hate him. I’m not so pious as to pretend that I never sin. Hatred is a sin. I know it. But, I still can’t let it go.
I have to let it go. Because it’s eating me alive. I think about hate while I’m vacuuming, out running, at work, pretty much all the time. I even dream about it. Sad that he took so much already and he’s still able to affect me this way. Sad.
Even worse is that fact that I can’t speak to anyone that I feel is remotely connected to him or sympathetic to him. It’s almost as if I’m searching for someone who is angry as I am, and when people aren’t, I just can’t speak to them anymore. I’m cutting off my own support system. It’s like this sick part of me wants someone to hate as much as I do. I can hold my family close, but everyone else becomes dead to me. It’s not rational. But, it’s grief, I guess. Is it? Or am I going to feel like this forever? It can’t go on forever, right? Eventually there has to be some goodness or love that breaks through. Right? I have to be able to find my way back to the person I once was. The person who loved her child’s birth country, who didn’t feel sick every time she had to answer where her kids are from, who could find the good in almost every situation. FPD would tell you that while, not an optimist, I always had an ability to forge ahead that knowing God had a plan.
Where the he*% is His plan in this?!? Where is it? Because from where I sit, His plan looks worse every.single.day. I want this over. I want justice. I just want to feel nothing for five minutes.
who feels like she’s swimming in the dark.