Lashing Out.

Have you ever been so angry about something that the people around you become collateral damage?  I’m there.  There is one person in my child’s past, one who hurt her terribly, that I hate.  That’s right, I hate him.  I don’t ever “hate” anyone.  Intense dislike maybe, but hatred?  Never.  But, I hate him.  I’m not so pious as to pretend that I never sin.  Hatred is a sin.  I know it.  But, I still can’t let it go.

I have to let it go.  Because it’s eating me alive.  I think about hate while I’m vacuuming, out running, at work, pretty much all the time.  I even dream about it.  Sad that he took so much already and he’s still able to affect me this way. Sad.

Even worse is that fact that I can’t speak to anyone that I feel is remotely connected to him or sympathetic to him.  It’s almost as if I’m searching for someone who is angry as I am, and when people aren’t, I just can’t speak to them anymore.  I’m cutting off my own support system.  It’s like this sick part of me wants someone to hate as much as I do.  I can hold my family close, but everyone else becomes dead to me.  It’s not rational.  But, it’s grief, I guess.  Is it?  Or am I going to feel like this forever?  It can’t go on forever, right?  Eventually there has to be some goodness or love that breaks through.  Right?  I have to be able to find my way back to the person I once was.  The person who loved her child’s birth country, who didn’t feel sick every time she had to answer where her kids are from, who could find the good in almost every situation.  FPD would tell you that while, not an optimist, I always had an ability to forge ahead that knowing God had a plan.

Where the he*% is His plan in this?!? Where is it?  Because from where I sit, His plan looks worse every.single.day.  I want this over.  I want justice.  I just want to feel nothing for five minutes.

–FullPlateMom,
who feels like she’s swimming in the dark.

5 Comments Add yours

  1. I just wrote a long response, then thought better of it. Call me if you want to vent.Think of all the words you want to lable this person with. Write them all down…or scream them. I am so sorry for what you are going through….

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  2. I have a couple of people like that too. It eats you up, but I know the feeling of not being able to share it with anyone, or very few. I trust people too easily and it always, ALWAYS comes back to bite me. Lately I trust almost nobody and it is safer but very lonely.Their country is still just as wonderful as it always was. Just let it be that way in your memory too. J talks of “compartmentalizing” experiences. So, Ghana is still Ghana, that’s a mostly happy “box” and the things that happened there are a separate “box.” People will always be imperfect, some VASTLY so, no matter where you are or where you are from. Evil and greed and corruption exist in every corner of the world and, unfortunately, in the most shocking of people. But the love is out here too, on all sides. You are not alone in your feelings. You are not alone in your journey or your desire for justice.

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  3. My heart breaks and is angry, too, but my belief in the Atonement of Jesus Christ helps. “The Atonement will not only help us overcome our transgressions and mistakes, but in His time, it will resolve all inequities of life – those things that are unfair which are the consequences of circumstances or other’s acts and not our own decisions.”Richard G. Scott (LDS Apostle)I know that in God’s time he will make it all right and that Christ not only suffered for the sins of the world, but also for all pain that we experience. He understands. He has been there. Hang in there. Righteousness will prevail in the end. I truly believe that God will bless you and your little ones as you persevere. Thank you for everything you have done. You have blessed many lives with your goodness.

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  4. Lois says:

    Sending desire for justice for ALL!

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  5. It gets easier with time and as you see your children opening up and sharing and healing. That is the thing that helped me the most when I wanted to hate the person who had taken advantage of my children’s helplessness, that and turning towards the Defender of the helpless. We were daily praying that God would defend the helpless and intervene. And even though it doesn’t look like it right now, God still has a plan, hang in there. He’s doing things behind the scenes for eternity that we can’t see.2 Corinthians 4:18While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. Call me :)Lanae

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