We are the Truth.

Today is tax day (dear IRS, I have a lot of kids. Where is my refund?).

But, it’s also a special day for us adoptive parents.  Have you heard about this story?  Who hasn’t, right?   A seven-year-old is put on a plane ALONE to his birth country of Russia just six months after being adopted by a woman in Tennessee.   Not good.  It has created a veritable crap storm for U.S. parents trying to adopt from Russia.  Russia, rightfully so, is wondering what the heck is going on in adoptive homes in the U.S.  They have suspended adoptions to the U.S.  Sad that so many will pay for the mistake of one desperate mom.  Yes, I said it, the way she went about it was a mistake.  Yes, I said the way she went about it, not what she did.  It was a mistake to stick a traumatized seven-year-old on a plane and send him back to a place where he was institutionalized.  It’s sad that she didn’t know that there is a little community of us out here with older, traumatized adopted children.  I receive SO much support when I write about the things my kids go through as they learn to become part of our family.

The part that wasn’t a mistake was disrupting.  I don’t really consider this a disruption, because she didn’t place the child into another home in the U.S.  But, had she, it would have been understandable.  I have known people who have had to disrupt their adoption.  Who the heck an I to judge?  There are very few people who have seen me at my parenting worst (FPD, Kara, Raelynn, my mom).  They supported me through the roughest part of transitioning to actually feeling like I am “mom” to these strangers that have just been handed to me.  They didn’t judge.  They just supported.  If you think you can’t handle it, get help. If you still can’t handle it, we’re here to lift you up, not tear you down.  Please don’t put your child back on a plane.  We’re here to help.

Today is the day that JCICS has declared for all of us to be able to tell the truth about our adoptions.  My truth is this… adopting older children is REALLY freakin’ hard.  They’re angry, they’re resentful, they’ll tell you they don’t love you.  BUT, when you finally break through and get to watch them shine, it’s just about the best feeling in the world.  Nothing could make me prouder than the little people who call me “mom”, even the ones who have only done it for a few weeks.  I won’t lie to you and tell you that when I heard about the Tennessee mom that I didn’t think, “wow.  I could TOTALLY load Bubbly up and ship her back”.  Then, the crushing sadness of the thought of my life without her hit me and almost broke my heart.  She’s my Bubbly.  Even though she has been, and probably will always be, my heaviest little load to bear, I have to think that, someday, as I watch her walk down the aisle, or graduate college, that she will be the one that makes me the most proud.  My truth is, I love my kids, more than any biological connection, more than words, and more than I ever could have imagined.   No one should ever have to miss out on the opportunity that I have had.

who is praying for Russian adoptions.  

7 thoughts on “We are the Truth.

  1. FPM, you know I think you’re amazing and you always speak the truth..so here’s mine. I think that the truth is she may never walk down the aisle she may never graduate from anything. You may have to adjust what a success in her life looks like to you and FPD. She may never look back and thank you for adopting her. It’s just the truth. And also, these “strangers” weren’t just handed to you or any of us….we did this. Or God did if some feel that way. We pursued these adoptions did the work paid the money made the trips. We did this. They didn’t understand what coming to America really meant but we did and yet we still adopted them and now expect them to adjust and be grateful. I think if I had to do it all over again I would have been 100% more compassionate and would have tried to be less the “deserving mother”. I think you have a great perpective and you seem to be adjusting well yourself. Keep working it out, as we all are and good luck.

  2. You said it perfectly FPM! I was like”Yeah! What SHE said!” She being you. You put it perfectly. Thanks for being honest about your reality. We are here for ya! I’m still your cheerleader. 🙂

  3. When I first heard about the concept of disrupting an adoption, I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it — how could someone do that? But, I also have a different perspective. When I was 10 and my brother was 13, my parents adopted a 10,11, and 12-year-old sibling set. It WAS HARD, and my siblings WERE resentful. It really caused a lot of conflict and turmoil in our family, and the situation continues to bring heartache to my parents. My sister ran away when she was 16-years-old. When I think of this, I am better able to comprehend how a disruption could possibly occur — the idea suddenly doesn’t sound so far-fetched. For some kids, a different home or situation COULD be in the best interest of the child, as well as all of the siblings/family involved. However, like you said, the lady in question DID go about it in a horrible way. I truly feel for those people who are in the process of adopting from Russia. And just for the record, from what I have been able to read on your blog, you’re doing a wonderful job. Bringing strangers into your home and loving them, and asking them to love you in return, is NOT easy at times. I’m sure that things will only get better, and from the sounds of things, it sounds like there has already been some great progress. :)Annie Terry

  4. Thanks everyone! I appreciate everyone’s stories of adoption. It’s important that they be told. The wonderful times, there are SO many, and the times where it hurts like you’re bleeding. FPD and I KNOW that there might not be a graduation from our college alma mater in our Bubbly’s future. We know that anyone of our kids might not have that in our future. However, I would NEVER tell any of them that. We come from an EXTREMELY academic family. The kind that has me still enrolled in Grad School at the age of 31. I love education. For us, as parents, it’s priority one. Our kids can choose the path they love, if that’s art or restaurant management (of the fast food variety), then so be it. But, education is numero uno. I save these posts as a document for Bubbly to read someday. To her, and the rest of the world around her, I want to make this very clear. We’re shooting for the moon. No one has told us that it ISN’T possible for her, so we refuse to sell her short or make her think that it isn’t possible for her when it’s absolutely EXPECTED of all of our other children. You get good grades, you go to college. This is how we choose to parent. Same goes for Bubbly. If along the way someone tells us that this might not be the path that Bubbly is destined for, then so be it, we’ll find the new path together. For now, at the age of three, I want that for her. I want us to work together to make her believe that the world is absolutely full of every possibility out there. If she were 16 years old, the story would be different. But, she’s three, and has made HUGE strides. As far as I’m concerned, the world is her oyster. As long as I give her the tools to open that oyster, we’re all set. Thanks again to everyone!!! Words can’t express how much I need your support. FPM

  5. While I do not condone the actions of this mother who sent her son back to Russia … I do understand the desperation that she must have felt. I do understand the reality of realizing that this child should not continue to be a part of your familyIt is a very tough road to walk.Laurel

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