One More Abuse.

I’m writing because this is therapeutic for me.  I need to let it go.  So, I’m just putting it out there.  It feels good to put my frustration into words and then imagine them floating away like a bubble in the wind.  

When I came home with the GhanaDuo, we found out that they had been given the impression that if they were “good” enough and if they asked “long” enough that we would bring their half-brother home to live with us.  They were told that we are rich enough to have seven children, so eight will make no difference (ummm…WHAT?).  When we first met the Duo, FPD and I had already decided that because of the half-brother’s age being so incredibly close to the Diva’s that this was something that we couldn’t even consider if we were asked.  Then, we found out it was a non-issue anyway, this little boy has a father who works and can provide for him (he chooses not to, but that is a different story).   We thought it was the end of discussion.

When we got home and found out that this was the discussion that our children had with Kingsley, I was appalled.  I would NEVER enter into an adoption without discussing it with the birthparent directly first.  The Duo’s Mom and Bubbly’s dad each had totally upfront conversations with me about what it meant to us to adopt their children.  They spoke enough english that they knew exactly what I was saying, and I didn’t mince words.   They understand that their children might never come back (in fact when I told the Duo’s mother that I was coming for a visit, she said “PLEASE DO NOT bring the children back to Ghana with you…EVER”, we’ll work on that fear with her slowly).   The Duo’s Mother asked us to find a home for little half-brother, after having a really open conversation with her about what exactly little brother’s story is, and then telling her the definition of an “orphan” according to USCIS, she understands why he can’t come.  She saw what we went through to bring the children here.  She knows you don’t mess with the big gray building in Accra.  She saw me suffer and fight to get the Duo here.  She told me little brother would be fine.  And, I think after placing two children, she’s not ready to lose her baby.  I can imagine, I don’t like to think about it, but I can imagine.

In the first few days of being here, the Duo asked often about little brother and when he would be coming.  Giggles understood the first time we told her.  I think this contributed to the anger that happened during this time period.  ShyGuy didn’t get it AT ALL.  Yesterday, it slapped him in the face.  We were lying in bed cuddling in the early morning hours.  He was telling me stories about Ghana, the kind that make me glad I know his country or I would have NO clue what he was talking about (throwing your baby teeth on the roof, setting fires to get rid of the HUGE termite mounds, etc), when I asked him what he misses MOST about Ghana.  I expected him to say that he missed his mother, or maybe Banku, the most.  But, it didn’t come as a total shock when he replied “playing football with little brother”.  I told him I missed little brother too, but that we were going to help little brother find a better school now that Luckyhill is shut down and that we would send him a football and some new clothes.  It did come as a total shock when he replied “but, I’m not too sad, he will be coming to live with us soon”.  I composed myself and asked “what do you mean?”.  I thought he couldn’t POSSIBLY think we were still adopting little brother.  Ummm…he did.  He thought he would be coming any day now.  I told him no.  He spent most of the day yesterday acting ok, then today he couldn’t bottle it anymore.  We put on their “Ghanaian clothes” to go to church, his are almost too small, he told me he would save them for little brother.  I told him I would take them with me next time I go to Ghana to give to little brother.  He LOST it.  He cried quietly all the way to, and all the way through, church.  He cried through the Pancake Breakfast and all the way home.  We finally called Ghana, I told his mother what was happening, she spoke with him and he shouted at her (in english) “YOU LIED TO ME!!!  ALL YOU PEOPLE DO IS LIE TO ME!!!!  GHANA IS FULL OF LIARS!!!”.   I took the phone and asked her what was happening.  She told me that Kingsley had told ShyGuy to lobby hard for little brother to come separately (a separate adoption would mean we paid fees all over again).  Sickening, mostly because we were never going to adopt him, she doesn’t want him adopted, and, he’s not even eligible.  ShyGuy was lied to.  I had a family meeting with my older boys, ResponsiBoy and M-M, to explain the gravity of what had just happened.  I asked them to imagine that they were sent to Ghana to live and had been told that the other one was going to come soon, they arrived in the unfamiliar land and were told that, actually, they would never see their brother again.  Both of my older boys sobbed at the profound loss that ShyGuy must be feeling.

This is one example of the lies these children have been told.  It is abuse.  It is abuse to raise the hopes of children and then crush their spirits.  It is abuse to tell children that will never come here, or aren’t even eligible to come, that you can get them here.  It is one more sick and perverted way that Kingsley has hurt these children.  And, it’s not just him.  There are scandals and lies like this all across the globe when it comes to adoption.  While I would never change one thing I have done in regards to my children’s adoptions, if I was asked to give ONE piece of advice about Ghanaian adoption, it would be, LEARN YOUR CHILD’S STORY  FOR YOURSELF.  Don’t believe what any facilitator or Social Worker tells you.  You have a right to ask these questions for yourself.  I did, and we’ll be ok, the lies could have been far worse.  For some people’s children, they are.

who needs to rock her ShyGuy some more.

4 thoughts on “One More Abuse.

  1. This is another reason why parents meeting the children they intend to adopt, and the biological family giving the children for adoption, before court. Those that go through agencies aren’t going to have a way to speak directly with birth parents before this point, but at this point they can gain extra assurance that the children they are adopting qualify and are in need of adoption.I’m so sorry for this additional abuse your children are now working to heal from.Anita

  2. Shoud have said, “This is another reason why parents meeting the children they intend to adopt, and the biological family giving the children for adoption, before court, is a good idea.”

  3. The full extent to which our children have been poisoned may never be known, but a little bit more comes out every day. There is a 6 year old girl at my house who believes that her birthfamily brought her to Luckyhill because she was so naughty that they did not want her anymore. She was beaten for standing up for her friends who got into trouble for something they didn’t do. To the point of leaving scars on her back. She is afraid to be left alone with her oldest brother, because she thinks he will beat her like the older boys did under Kingsley’s direction. The boy who carries spiders outside to release them rather than stepping on one, and cried when he gave his friend a bloody nose during a game of tag. Yeah, she is afraid of him. Sickening. I am sorry that your sweet boy has been lied to in such a way. His poor little heart must be broken. You and FPD will get him through this but you are right, it is abuse to tell these kids the things that they have been told. Most of them are too young to do anything but believe it, and then we, as parents and siblings, are left with the fallout.

  4. I read your words and ache for the grief your children are going through. Praying for healing for them! Still waiting for visas its almost been two months ugg!

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