I have good days with adoption, and then I have bad. Today is one of those bad, weepy days. It’s kind of like an illness, or a dysfunctional relationship. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not comparing adoption to cancer. I’m just saying it’s like a chronic illness, like maybe Diabetes. You have days where your sugars are good, and you feel like you’re in control, then…BAM! You have an off day, and you’re spiraling down towards being really sick.
I’m not sick. Today, I’m just sick of it.
Adoption can be beautiful, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But, it comes with hardship. It is rooted in loss. And, our last adoption was rooted in lies as well as major loss. More lies pop up every single day. I’m just weary from it. I have yet to adjust. When we adopted ResponsiBoy, whose adoption was done domestically, and took FOREVER so there was no way that anything was unethical, I remember feeling this way. At that time, adoption had made our family look, well, different. I was still adjusting to the idea of being a white woman with a black son. I would come home from Target and cry about the fact that, yet again, I had been asked questions about his origin. I just wanted a baby. I didn’t want to be the focus of everyone’s attention. I wanted to be like every other young mom out there. Gradually, I adjusted. And, as ResponsiBoy grew (and more children that looked “different” came to us), I kind of became proud. Now, as he grows into this great young man, I’m super proud of how we’ve handled it. I’m proud of the fact he’s different. I’m proud of all of it. Except, I’m sick about answering questions about three of my kid’s pasts.
When will I feel proud about our Ghanaian kids? Right now, I don’t even want to answer questions about Ghana. It’s like the whole country has abused us all. It feels like someone we all loved just slapped us in the face. Which I know isn’t true, but it sure does feel that way. Even though we’re good with the kid’s birth parents, which is most important to me, we’re not good with how our kids got here or the conditions they were forced to endure, or witness, before they came. How do you come back from something like that? Today is one of those days when I wonder if I ever will. They’re healing, but I’m not. And, it’s affecting them.
This blog isn’t about looking perfect. It isn’t about telling other people who might want to adopt that this is all sunshine and roses, this is about recording what it’s really like. Sometimes, I have a bad day. It wouldn’t be fair of me to advocate for orphans and adoption and then not tell you what we have dealt with as a result of our international adoptions. It also wouldn’t be fair of me to record things that aren’t how I really feel either, since this is a journal for my children. Today… I feel sick of it. Never sick of my kids, just sick of all of the rest of it.
So, I’m going to break for awhile to find the love again.
who hopes tomorrow will bring more sunshine and roses.