Do you ever feel guilty? I do. A lot. Guilt over all kinds of things. Things to do with the kind of person I am, the way I parent, how lucky we are. I feel a lot of guilt about various aspects of my trips to Ghana. Lately though, I’m beginning to feel guilty about what a distant memory it is all becoming. This is the longest stretch that I have been away from Ghana in the last 18 months. My life and trips to Ghana were intertwined in an all consuming way. Since learning of what was really happening there, I’ve had little to no desire to go back. I feel guilty about that. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking how I should go back. It’s time now. It has been long enough. It’s time to suck it up and go over there. Then, my heart tells me that it just can’t do it yet. The Duo will have been home for five months next week. Five months. It feels like an eternity and a blink of an eye all at once.
What do you do when you have no motivation to return to the place where your children are so intricately connected? I continue to raise money. I continue to provide scholarships. I continue to have plans for change. But, while I feel the travel bug starting to bite me again, I feel like staying as far away as I can from Ghana. I find myself daydreaming about taking ResponsiBoy and Giggles and doing a mission someplace else. Then, I feel like I’ve betrayed my Ghana. The Ghana that I knew and loved. The Ghana that may never have actually existed.
I feel guilty that my life is moving on happily and that it feels really good to do the thing that I never thought I would…let it go.
who needs a sign that, for awhile, this is okay.