Prayer and Praise Sunday–When it’s okay two love to moms.

No, I’m not making some kind of earth shattering announcement about my sexuality.  FPD laughs at me every time I refer to our kids as having “two moms”.  Inappropriate, I know.  But, that’s my husband.

This week, for the first time, I gave Giggles permission to love her Ghana Mom as a mom too.  I had thought previously that it would go without saying that this was okay with me.  We talk about birth moms, we share good memories.  I thought they knew that I love their Ghana Mom.  I have told them, often, how thankful I am for her.  But, something I was conveying was obviously making it so that Giggles thought it wasn’t okay to love us both.  Maybe it’s just Giggles trying to “forget”.  After speaking with her  Ghana Mom so nicely on the phone last week, we called again just to say “hi” because ShyGuy wanted to talk to Little Brother.  Ghana Mom asked to speak with Giggles.  FPD heard Ghana Mom ask Giggles if she knew who this was and Giggles response was “No.  I don’t remember you”.  Ouch.

I got home from work and FPD relayed this story.  I wanted to strangle Giggles.  After all her mom did for her!  After all her sacrifice!  Doesn’t she get what a big deal this is?!?  No.  She doesn’t.  She’s 8 years old.  So, I gave myself the night to figure out what I wanted to say to her.  The next morning I told her we were calling Ghana Mom back.  I told Giggles that I know she DOES remember her and that we need to be respectful to the people who love us, and to the people we love.  I told Giggles that I KNOW she loves her Ghana Mom, and that it is okay with me.  It’s great to love your TWO moms.  Part of all my kids stories is that they have TWO moms (or in Bubbly’s case, TWO dads.  HA!  We’ll see how FPD likes that action).  

When I told Giggles that it’s okay to love BOTH your moms she began to cry.  She was able to verbalize that life here is “easier” and that she wishes she had “been here always”.  I can see that.  ResponsiBoy, Middle-Middle, GigantoBaby, the Diva and even Bubbly have something that she doesn’t… a mom who has known them since infancy.  They have family memories.  Giggles doesn’t.  For the first time, I imagined what it must feel like to be her, on the outside looking in.  She’s watching the other children tell her about all these trips that we took, all these family traditions that we have.  I think both of the Duo, but ShyGuy less so (just because he’s less aware), feel left out.  I wanted to cry for Giggles when through absolutely gritted teeth she told me “I just wish I had been here always, like the other children”.  I told her that I wished that too, because it’s hard to be the mom that’s always different too.  I wish that I had given birth to her, just the way she is (as a beautiful black girl) and that every time people looked at me they didn’t think “there goes Giggles’ adoptive mom”.  I told her that it is hard for all of us, but that God made us this kind of family because He knew what he was doing, that we have to trust His plan because, so far, it seems like a good one.  I’m praising that plan, but praying that Giggles will see its wisdom eventually.

–FullPlateMom,
who wishes she could “feel” a little less right now.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. the H family says:

    I think I would be happy if my daughter loved ONE Mom. Looking forward to that day with my whole heart. L has never struggled with loving both his birthmom and me, but he has always had us both, from Day 1. I am sure that makes the difference. In our family, being “different” makes him a rock star. E does not see it as a positive. What she wants is to be back in Ghana, where I can’t tell her what to do or not do, and nobody ever says “no” to her. It is hard not to remind her what life was really like there, because her romanticized version is pretty appealing! Even I would go back to THAT Ghana!You are so right about the necessary trust in God. Walking His path every day leaves you no choice but to trust.

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  2. We deal with this with Kofi. His mother passed away but she is still a very real part of his life. It has taken about a year for him to believe it is okay to love me and that it will not wipe her out of his memory. For quite sometime he was afraid of letting go of Ghana because it might mean letting her go too. We worked hard to help him know loving two is just fine!!!

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  3. We adopted a son from Ghana as well and he is super scared of visiting there .
    He came to us as an infant at 11 months (his mother died in child birth ) … He has no perspective of Ghana or his mother .
    My husband and I are feeling quite strongly it’s time to visit Ghana as he is now 15 . Incredibly Introverted and we just feel it’s time to expose him to the country , let him see it , taste it and smell it . Perhaps some of that will help him begin to process what his calling is on this Earth . His remaining family in Ghana is anxious to see him as he has brothers and sisters …. Aunts and uncles !
    His Fear of traveling there is great and we have reiterated over and over that we will not leave you there , you are our son , We just want you to understand your home country and let your remaining family understand that you are in good
    health and being well provided for and that you are becoming an Amazing young man . And so that’s where we are at this time with serious dialogue but met with a very hesitant scared young man .
    We don’t want to cause s big Trust issue between him and us , but neither do we want him to walk through this American life without perspective and true knowledge of his origin and place of birth .
    Do you feel it’s Ok to take him or do you have another thought process about this ? Just curious !

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    1. My kids are equally afraid, for many of the same reasons. I think when to go back is a very personal choice. If he’s telling you he’s nervous, but wants to go, I think being nervous/excited is so very natural. If he is adamantly saying he does NOT want to go, then I would hesitate. Our kids keep in contact with their birth mom through cell phone calls and Facebook messages when they can. We had a nightmare of a time securing visas for them though, and they were 9, 6 and 3 when we adopted them, so they remember every second of it. We landed on a plan of discussing going back when they are 18. They feel that at that point, they’ll be adults, traveling on their own passport as U.S. citizens and that there is no chance they could be detained. I’ve tried to explain that all of that would be the same even if they were minors, but they need to decide for themselves. I think it’s a very personal decision.

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