At which moment?

Before I start, I usually blog so much more than this, but between the Tea Party, the Halloween Party, the Geography Bee that I’m helping to coordinate at the kid’s school, my work in Ghana, my work in China, Orphan Sunday, Grad School and seven children, things are a bit hectic this week.  Sorry!

Bubbly had a WONDERFUL week last week with her birthday, her Tea Party and Halloween.  She was the focus of everyone’s attention and she basked in it.  This week, well, it’s hit a LOW.  Not like the lows we had when she first came home.  But, it’s been lower than we’ve been in awhile.  She attends AWANA on Wednesday evenings at our church and usually LOVES it.  We’ve never had a problem with behavior, and it’s only 90 minutes once a week, so we didn’t tell the Cubbies Leader anything about Bubbly’s past.  HUGE MISTAKE.

She was apparently in rare form on Wednesday night.  She didn’t want to sit to listen to the Leader read from the bible, she wanted to run around the room.  So, the Leaders decided that it would be okay to do what you might do with your own child, and hold her on their lap.  I have to say, this Leader is a little militant as far as I’m concerned.  This is Cubbies!  What kid wants to listen to you read directly from the KJV of the bible?  Tell a bible story, okay, read from the actual bible…BORING for a three-year-old.  They are supposed to learn a passage, I’m cool with that, but this lady wanted to read the whole story directly from the bible.  To three-year-olds!

This was no excuse for what came next.  We never make excuses for Bubbly’s behavior.  Even when we understand where the behavior is coming from, there is always a consequences for her behavior.  When the Leader decided to hold her still Bubbly FLIPPED.  She got all hot and sweaty, began to struggle and then couldn’t control herself anymore.  She LOST it.  FPD got an earful about her behavior when he got there.  They got an earful in a follow-up email from me.  Not an angry earful, it’s my fault for not telling them, but they should have called FPD on his cell phone and asked him to come down (he was in the Sparkies Room).  Her reaction was NOT normal.  Maybe they didn’t know what is normal for her, they will now.

As I stewed over this on Wednesday night, and tossed and turned, I began to wonder at what moment in Bubbly’s little life did something happen to her that caused this.  In my midnight state of morbid curiosity, I actually wished I could go back in time and be a fly on the wall of Lucky Hill (I would be in good company, there were MANY a fly).  So much of Bubbly’s past, and to some extent Giggles’ and ShyGuy’s pasts as well, is a mystery to me.  The Duo can express their memories a little better.  They can draw the line between why the dark scares them, why they detest shouting and why male affection freaks Giggles out just a little.  For Bubbly, these bad feelings are just bad feelings.  She has no clue why being held at all forcefully still makes her sweat and why she feels the need to claw until she’s free and then run away as fast as she can.  She has no idea why when her upper arm is grabbed she instinctively covers her head and face.  She just does it.

Is it morbid of me to want to know EXACTLY what she went through?  Because I do.  I want to know the exact moment when the abuse became so much that it seeped its way into her little soul so that even after she got to this loving home, it would always be there, like a dark fog rolling up behind us when we least expect it.  I want to know.  And when I do know, just because I have anger issues, I picture myself finding the person who made it become too much so that I can show them what it feels like to have to cover your face and head in fear.  Wrong of me, yes.  Mom of me, TOTALLY.

Some people want to know these things (me), some people don’t.  I don’t know which way is better, covering your ears, closing your eyes and being all LA LA LA LA LA to it, or spending the rest of my life tormented by the fact that I’m fighting against something that I will never know the extent of.  Maybe I need to find the happy medium.  My heart breaks for her on weeks like this.  She won’t be going back to AWANA next week.  Her vest is in the ‘Confiscation Station’ because she does know that she needs to use her words when her feelings get the better of her, to ask someone to call her Mommy or Dad. Screaming and running in any classroom can’t, and won’t, be tolerated.  She’ll go back, with FPD in tow, the following week and we’ll be starting fresh again.

who likes a good fresh start, her Bubbly needs them.

One thought on “At which moment?

  1. *HUG*I was watching Oprah Friday night (I really don’t like Oprah, but her show was meaningful to me) and it was a show with 200 men who were abused as children. She said that she once heard describing forgiveness as giving up the hope that the past could have been different. (Looks like it was Lily Tomlin who originally said it.)It’s a hard row to hoe, that is for certain. And when your child has issues, it’s so stinkin’ hard to strike that balance between “she can’t help it” and “but she’s going to HAVE to help it in order to lead a decent life”.*HUG* again.

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