The Point Where Fear Enters the Picture…

An adoption update:  The next step in our adoption journey is waiting for the day when our dossier (that massive amount of paperwork I completed) is “logged in” by the government of China.  This date will give us a starting point for the next big wait.  We hope this part goes quickly.  I have no other updates.  Sorry.  Don’t worry though, you’re not the first to be curious.  Since we went “public” with this adoption, I get asked nearly daily.  Hence, the not going public for so long!

In the interim, I wait and do what I’ve done every time we’ve adopted, I worry.  I worry about what kind of health are daughter is in right now.  I also worry about what kind of health she’ll be in when she gets home, when she’s 10 years old, 20 years old, etc.  I won’t lie.  I worry she won’t live that long.  I worry she’ll need a new heart and that our lives will be forever changed by her illness.

I think I was naive.  I think I honestly believed that I could compartmentalize this worry, justify it by telling myself that even if we lose her she’ll have lived longer than she would have if she had no family and no health care.  I’m an idiot.  Justifying bringing her into our life doesn’t take away the pain that would come with losing her.  The second I saw her little picture, the second I saw her little face, I could almost feel the pain that would come with losing her.  Like every other child we’ve ever adopted, I put my heart out there the second I laid eyes on her.   How could I not?

Do you know what I worry about even more?  I worry about what this will do to the kids we already have.  Are they going to look back at their life and wonder how their mother could have been so selfish?  Will they wonder how come I didn’t love them enough to shield them from this kind of pain?  God, I pray not.  I pray they’ll understand that by living this radical life I was just trying to leave a mark, to make a difference for this little girl that I looked at and loved instantly.  God, I hope they know that.  They’ve given up a lot because of the life I’ve chosen to live.  I hope and pray they’ll know why I wanted them to live this way, why we do what we do.  I hope it will lead to live them an equally radical life.  To love without fear.  To know that God has a purpose for everyone he brings into our lives.

Then I go back to worrying that they won’t understand any of this and that they’ll just hate me.  It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t stop.  For now, I just tamp down the worry and move on.  It’s all I can do.

who needs to take a chill pill.

1 Comment

  1. OH MY GOODNESS! How could your children EVER think that?! The pain will be hard for them, yes. But how could they not be blessed beyond measure to have the experience of loving this little sister? How could they not look back on their lives and see the wonderful life they lived? How could they not look back on their lives and love every second of their lives, the hard as much as the easy? How could they not look back on their lives and feel overwhelmingly thankful for the mother (and father) who taught them to love unconditionally, even when loving brings pain, and to serve without holding back? You are an amazing mother. Your family is REAL and full of LOVE and full of SERVICE. You are giving your children so much by teaching them to LOVE each other and to love others and to embrace the joy in life with the risk of sorrow. I believe God has put your family together, and that includes this little darling who may have to leave your family sooner than you would want. She is meant to be in your family, regardless of the way it may change your family, or maybe BECAUSE of the way it may change your family. Take courage in that.:) Lots of love to you.


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