On the Island.

Today I actually got my dad to shop a little.  I usually enjoy leisurely strolling through stores, carefully choosing my purchases.  He’s a ‘what are you shopping for?  Let’s get ‘er done’ kind of guy.  That’s not my way.  Usually, I have no clue what I’m shopping for until I see it.  I’m uber-cheap, and really indecisive.  I want to haggle and bargain, and the Shamian Island is the place to do that.

Our guide was kind enough to let us know that if you pay anymore then $10 U.S. for anything, you’ve been had.  The island is made for inexpensive souvenirs, not long lasting pieces of art or any kind of permanent keepsake.  I’ve got seven kids that love to break stuff and just want a trinket to call theirs for now.  The island sounds perfect to me.

Dolly is great at strolling too.  She loves facing out in the front carrier and watching all the people go by.  She really likes stopping to get a coffee too.  My kind of gal.  I can’t wait to get her home and have her join in the tradition that the Diva and I have labeled ‘Mama Monday’.  There’s no pre-k/4K on Mondays in our school district, so if you’re not in school, Monday is your special day with mama.  It often involves going out for a coffee or cocoa.

The girl will fit in perfectly.

She’s such a happy camper that I often forget that she’s so sick.  Then she lays her head against me and I can literally feel her breathing.  When we’re in the elevator, people will turn and look at her quizzically as she fights to exchange air.  It’s horrible to listen to, and every time it happens, I have to work to choke back the fear that has gripped me since they handed her to me.

As I was standing in the shower this morning, thinking about the few short days that lay between us and re-entry into the real world, I realized how badly I had lied to myself.  I told myself that if anything happened to her that it was God’s will, that it would be enough that for this short time on earth she had me and I had her.

I’m a fool.

What have I done?

Losing her would be horrific.

It will be even worse for my children.  Intermittently, I wonder what I’ve done to myself and to them.  If we don’t make it out the other side of this, if we lose her, I’ve brought this on us.  In one moment, with one decision, I’ve changed their lives completely.

We visited another Buddhist Temple today.  This one was the birth place of Zen Buddhism.

Buddhism isn’t really a religion.  It’s a philosophy.  A way of living.  Zen involves finding one’s inner peace.

I’ve always been open to new ways of thinking.  I appreciate and respect the beliefs of others, the way I hope they will respect mine.  Today, as I watched people light incense in front of one very happy looking, golden fat man, I thought there might be something to this.  Much the same way that when I lived at the LDS Temple during my last adoption, I knew there was a lot to be said for the Mormon Doctrine and the teachings of that church.  I truly believe that every philosophy, every religion, has something to teach you.

The God I believe in sends messages to comfort at times you need them most.  Today’s message was obviously that I need to find peace with the decision that has been made.

It is life changing, in so many ways.

So many WONDERFUL ways.

who is fastening her seat belt.  She knows this will be a bumpy ride.

One thought on “On the Island.

  1. For the last hour or so, I just indulged in catching up on your posts from arrival to current… OH! LOVE the pics of Xi’an – our daughters have a rich, rich heritage to call that their birthplace. I can totally identify with all the thoughts and feelings you expressed in your posts from that location. It’s so quintessentially “China” as untouched by most of the world, compared to Beijing or GZ. And the relief of arriving in GZ? On the island? Totally get it :)Can’t wait to see you home, settling in and re-acclimating. God has great big plans for your little one – it’s gonna be fun to peek in on it all 🙂

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