When You Love ‘Em, But You Don’t Like ‘Em

I’ve always prided myself on the fact that even in their worst moments, I’ve always thought my kids were, at their core, good people.  I’ve always enjoyed spending time with them.  I enjoy listening to their take on things.  Generally, I like who they are.

Today I realized, as sad as it is, I don’t actually like Bubbly right now.  I love her, and I think she knows that, but I don’t like her.  I don’t genuinely enjoy spending time with her right now.  In fact, I find it a chore.  She has become quite the little sneaky liar over the last few weeks.  Some of it is probably a natural stage of development, some of it is because her beginning has made her social skills, well, for lack of a better word…weird.  She’s hard to deal with.  She’s manipulative.  She’s exhausting.

I’m tired.

FPD is tagging in to give me a break for the next couple of days.  She needs to know that even when we don’t particularly like the way she’s acting, she’s still loved.  She’s still safe.  Nothing will change that.

But, all that doesn’t change the fact that I’m tired.  I’m tired of her.  I’m tired of therapy helping us take two steps forward in one area only to uncover a whole host of issues in another area.  I keep wondering if we’ll always be putting out some sort of emotional fire with her.  If that’s the case, I have no earthly clue how she’s ever going to live independently and do things like hold a job or have a mature relationship with a life partner.

I worry that I will be parenting her forever.

And, I’m right back to exhausted.

For the first time, I think I see why those retreats for adoptive moms are so important.  I’m out of tools in my toolbox.  I’m at my wit’s end.  I think I need a break.

who is picturing the beach right about now.  

5 thoughts on “When You Love ‘Em, But You Don’t Like ‘Em

  1. *HUG* I know how that feels.FWIW, I think a lot of it will be easier (notice I did not say better) when she’s older. I’ve seen with my oldest that as his brain developed and became more capable of reasoning, of critical thought, a lot of his exhausting behaviors diminished or changed. (Now he’s just an argumentative teenager – typical – with a sprinkling of mood disorder and a good chunk of awkward social behaviors. : )It certainly isn’t Italy, is it? It doesn’t even feel like Holland. Sometimes it just feels like laps around the garbage dump. (In case any of your readers aren’t familiar with “Welcome to Holland” – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqGQjoTn2xY)

  2. I’m on this train with you. Half the time I think she will be ok, the other half of the time I can’t imagine her living on her own. Time and space are a good thing. I find my perspective needs to change in order to keep going. You can do it – one day at a time!!!

  3. *Huge hugs* my friend. It is SO hard when you don’t like your child. SO SO hard. I have been there. I am there now. I love him with all my heart and yet spending more than 4.5 seconds with him is a total chore. I dread it. I dread trying so hard to have some fun with him, I dread hoping each morning that today will be the day that it feels normal again, and I dread the moment when I will inevitably reach my end and be less patient with him than I intend. Like you, I love him always and tell him so, but also like you, I don’t like him much right now. Kudos to you for being brave enough to say it out loud and for realizing that you’re out of tools and might need some more. That speaks volumes of your love for Bubbly – and all of your children.

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