Today I realized, as sad as it is, I don’t actually like Bubbly right now. I love her, and I think she knows that, but I don’t like her. I don’t genuinely enjoy spending time with her right now. In fact, I find it a chore. She has become quite the little sneaky liar over the last few weeks. Some of it is probably a natural stage of development, some of it is because her beginning has made her social skills, well, for lack of a better word…weird. She’s hard to deal with. She’s manipulative. She’s exhausting.
FPD is tagging in to give me a break for the next couple of days. She needs to know that even when we don’t particularly like the way she’s acting, she’s still loved. She’s still safe. Nothing will change that.
But, all that doesn’t change the fact that I’m tired. I’m tired of her. I’m tired of therapy helping us take two steps forward in one area only to uncover a whole host of issues in another area. I keep wondering if we’ll always be putting out some sort of emotional fire with her. If that’s the case, I have no earthly clue how she’s ever going to live independently and do things like hold a job or have a mature relationship with a life partner.
I worry that I will be parenting her forever.
And, I’m right back to exhausted.
For the first time, I think I see why those retreats for adoptive moms are so important. I’m out of tools in my toolbox. I’m at my wit’s end. I think I need a break.
who is picturing the beach right about now.