On this blog, and in public, I don’t speak a whole lot about my children and their relationships with their mothers that came before me. This is mostly for their privacy. Adoption is rooted in loss. They lost something big when they made the choice they did. And, regardless of what a bang up job I do with my kids, they have lost a biological connection to the parents that created them. I respect the grief that comes with that loss enough to not discuss personal situations with most people.
Just because I don’t discuss it doesn’t mean I don’t think of these women daily. And, before you email me, because I have received those kinds of emails before, I’m not discounting birthfathers in all this. We just don’t have many that are involved or were ever involved in our kids’ lives. Some of them died, some of them aren’t known to us, and some aren’t worth my kids’ time. That’s just our situation. I know there are birthfather’s out there who make great sacrifices for their children as well. I am also a mom, so I tend to connect with women.
Today, which has been dubbed Birthmother’s Day because it is for the women who came before the mothers, I had the pleasure of emailing two of our birthmoms and receiving a call from a third. I treasure these contacts now, while sometimes painful for me, they’re wonderful for my children. They cement them to the family that created them and the one that is raising them. They will be able to walk between the two of us as healthy and happy adults. I want that connection for my children. I want them to know that I don’t see the woman who created them as competition. For me, it’s okay that they have two moms.
Today though, my heart is also with the mothers who came before me that we have no contact with, either because it is too painful for them or not appropriate for our children. I think of you every day when I get to watch the little people you created walk this path toward becoming amazing adults. Thank you for choosing us for them. I pray daily that somehow we’ll find our way back to each other, and I know that as my children grow, we’ll reconnect in someway if life choices change. I do know how to find you and my kids will always know that the door is open should they choose it.
To Dolly’s birthmother, who I will likely never have the chance to meet on this earth due to circumstances neither of us can change, I often think of Mitch Albom’s book and I picture you as one of my five. I can only imagine the pain you faced when you had to make the choice to either let your daughter go or to watch her die. I like to imagine that we are what you hoped for, because your daughter is everything we could have ever dreamed of. When I pray, I pray for comfort for you, that somehow, someway, you will magically hear me and know that your tiny daughter is alive and that she is so, so very loved.
To all our birthmothers out there. This is what you’ve created. Today is about honoring you for that sacrifice.