I can always tell when life is getting me down (beyond the want to drink wine every single blessed evening), because I am absolutely inspiration-less when it comes to writing. Long silences from FullPlateManor usually means we’ve hit rough waters. It has been a hard two weeks, but through the rough waters, there are rainbows. I’m keeping my eyes on those. Even when the world around me is going at what seems like one million miles per hour, and there are so very many things to write about, I just can’t find a way to pin down my thoughts. When times like this come, and the tsunami hits, I think bullet points work well to help me keep this journal up to date.
— We received the results of Dolly’s consult in Boston with Boston Children’s Hospital (BCH). The Cardiothoracic Surgery Team has discussed, reviewed and discussed again. They will do a bi-ventricular repair on Dolly “if we REALLY want them to” but they “are not keen on it.” Well, then I’m not keen on it either. If we did do it, it would have to be “staged” meaning we would have to open her chest more than once. No.way. The emotions that go into hearing that your daughter isn’t a candidate for a full repair, but will instead be a candidate only for a palliative repair is hard to pin down. I go from devastated to hopeful, to thankful and back to devastated again. Being Dolly’s mom has taught me to live in the moment, and it has also brought into my circle several mamas who are parenting a child who has had a transplant. I am no longer petrified by the idea of this. We are hoping that is a LONG way off for Dolly, but if it turns out not to be, we’re ready. That is a rainbow. God is giving me peace about what may come.
–Poppy still hasn’t had surgery. Her foster home is doing everything they can, but sadly, she isn’t a priority in China because she doesn’t have a mama or baba. Orphans are society’s outcasts there. While Poppy is much better off than most orphans, she doesn’t have a family name to push her to the front of the line at the hospital. She has an orphan name. Her amazing foster home has done a great job controlling her pain, but I know that won’t last forever. She needs surgical intervention. The care she is receiving is a true rainbow though. Words can’t express how thankful I am for the care Little Flower has given to our little flower (you see how I did that?!? Poppy…little flower…awesome).
–FPD and I are working it out. We’re fighting hard for the relationship we want to model for our kids. But, relationships aren’t easy in the middle of a life that moves one million miles per hour. Relationships outside of him are a joke. There are days when I wonder if I have any friends at all. Then I’ll get a Facebook message or an email that reminds me that I do. As stupid as it sounds, social media is a rainbow.
–One of our kiddos is struggling a little with attachment. This time, it’s not Bubbly. She always struggles, but this child usually doesn’t. Pre-adolescence is hard, and the problem isn’t major, in fact, when it comes to adoption, it’s kind of run of the mill, but some therapy is in order. So, we’ll have two who will be chatting with our amazing Attachment Therapy Team. They are a rainbow. I know that they are helping me raise happy and whole kids.
In the midst of all this, when I’m at my lowest, God reminds me that its all worth it by showing himself through adoption miracle after adoption miracle. I am so abundantly blessed to get to watch families form through kids finding their parents and people who have waited forever finally get to call themselves parents. There isn’t any part of this life I wouldn’t trade. That doesn’t always make it easy though.
To all those families navigating the rough waters, may you find your rainbows.
–FullPlateMom, who knows there will be smooth sailing again some day.