I’m a lady who, when one thing is done, immediately moves on to the next. I’m a linear thinker, who likes to clear hurdles and then immediately move forward to the next thing. This isn’t the time for that. Yesterday, we began the process of waking Dolly slowly. After all the trauma she has endured, I certainly didn’t expect her eyes to flutter open and for her to greet me with a smile and a thumbs up (although, she did that when she first woke up from this surgery).
Yesterday though, as the hours ticked by, I couldn’t help but think of the next thing. What if she doesn’t wake up the same as she was before this happened? What if we’ve damaged her tiny brain by trying to get her back? During the CPR and shocking of her heart, I told myself I didn’t care. And, overall, I don’t. Who she is, well, that’s who she is. In my head, I know that worrying about whether or not we’ve lost a piece of her won’t fix anything. But, I worry about what the change would do to her.
She is wickedly funny. She prides herself on her ability to make people laugh. And, she has an old soul sense of humor. Will she still?
She is a loving sister, a caretaker to the children who while older than her, came after her. Will she still be that? What if they now have to be that for her? What will that do to their hearts?
She has a good team here, and all over the country really. Her Cardiologist who left to practice in California emailed me yesterday to say he had heard what happened, that he was following her closely, and that he knew she would come back from this. He told me that in the interim, I needed to hold tight, live for the now, just be, and not think about the next thing.
Easier said then done. But, I have no option. I can sit here, staring at these yellow walls, worrying myself into an ulcer about whether or not she will be MY Dolly when she wakes up. I can tie myself in knots. But, all that worry won’t make a fig of difference. And, it will stress her out should we need to recover some of her function when she wakes up. Her being locked in there, worried about my worry, well the thought of that kills me.
I will try. I will try to be present, to not think about the next thing, and to live for the now. I will also, forever more, be grateful for what has been handed to me, whether it is the same as what I had in the beginning shouldn’t matter.
All that matters is her.
–FullPlateMom, who will try to just be, and who knows it will be easier said than done.