Owning the Nerves.

We are now less than 72 hours from wheels up for Gigi.  I am so ready in so many ways, and so totally unprepared in others.  My house is clean, three of the four of us are packed, and presents are wrapped in anticipation of landing back in the U.S. right before Christmas.  So, physically, I’m pretty prepared.  Mentally, I’m not prepared at all.  I need to write the schedule for the next two weeks for the kids.  There are some things Ally will have to help with.  It’s just little stuff, like helping the girls with their hair in the mornings, but it stresses me out.  Just the mere thought of how they’ll roll around here without me to do the little stuff is stressing me out.

I try to tell myself that this happened before, that I felt this way last time, but I have trouble remembering that.  Once I’m home, all those worries fade.  I have trouble remembering that in the heat of the moment as well.  And, we’re dealing with some big feelings around here.  Uncertainty, worries, nerves, the kids all have them too.  They act out in little ways at home and at school.  That’s stressful too.

This is all just hard.

It’s so hard that I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, is this worth it?  Should we be doing this if it causes this much pain right now?  Should we be doing this if I’m stressed and snappy and they’re stressed and they’re snappy?  Shouldn’t we just be happy living the relatively comfortable life that we are?

But, then there’s this little face.  You’ll have to take my word for it, but it’s an awfully cute little face under there.  It’s a little face that is worth it.  It’s uncomfortable right now.  But, life will, eventually, go back to being comfortable.  She will be in it though.

GigiThat makes this temporary discomfort worth it.  I know that.

It doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about just not doing it, about just not getting on the plane, about just not stretching myself any further.  I’ve done my part.  I’ve lived through these uncomfortable moments.  Can’t I just stop?

Not now.  Not without her.

–FullPlateMom, who will do it, one more time, for her.

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