When Adoption is Not in the Future.

Hi Kids,

It’s mom.  I’m writing a little letter to you because I want you to know I hear you, and I see you.  I’ve heard the murmurs lately.  I’ve seen you gathering.  I recognize the signs.  You’re quietly lobbying.  The smaller among you is leading the charge.

Today, Gigi has been home 5 months, and you can’t fathom why Dad and I aren’t talking about adopting again.  There hasn’t even been a mention of it.

I would love to, except, I wouldn’t.  I know.  It’s so hard for you to understand.  I volunteer a lot with kids who are waiting to find there families.  At any given moment there are probably 56 kids I would adopt.  I see the need just like you do.  I walked through the orphanages you lived in, and while that will never make my experience even remotely approach yours, I can understand why you lobby.  You’re not the only kids who do it.  I know that too.  While we may be one of the few who sees the beauty in the brokenness, we’re not alone.  You love watching a sibling blossom as much as I love seeing my child do the same.

But, here’s the thing.  We’re having a moment here.  It’s not a moment that will last forever.  But, it’s an important one.  Some of you are getting ready to launch.  High school is a tipping point, I can feel it.  And, I can feel some of you struggling.  I don’t think you even know you are.  I think you really believe you’re fine, and you are, because this is what adolescence is all about, struggling without really knowing it.  In turn, this is what parenting is all about, recognizing when your child is struggling without them even knowing why.  So, I need a moment.  I need a moment to make sure we’re all on solid ground.

I’m taking my moment.

We’ve got time, babies.

I know you hear the kids calling the same way I do.  I know you see the faces of kids who might not be chosen and you think “But, we could…just one more time…”  This is an important lesson.  This is a lesson about not overreaching and overextending.  This is a lesson about care that doesn’t always involve adopting.  For awhile we can focus on advocacy, and we can keep shining a light on family preservation, the way we always have.  This is about finding other avenues.  This is about giving all of us some time to breathe, to learn a new language for your sister, to launch her too.  I’m fighting the good fight for her, and while I see the path becoming more clear, I can’t quite see that light at the end of the tunnel.

This is about some of you having braces, and all of us having a car that runs, and some kitchen cabinets with intact doors.  This is about us not sweating every cent.  This is about making sure there is a college fund and some security.  This is about not fretting where the adoption money will come from.  This is about all of us just being.  We’ll get there.

We’re just not there yet.

I’ll let you know when we are.  And then, we’ll head back to wherever we’re needed the most.

–FullPlateMom, who hears you Bowen.  You want a ‘little’ brother.  For a small man, your voice is LOUD, and your heart is so very big.

One thought on “When Adoption is Not in the Future.

  1. Oh man. This is it. At least once a week, we have a similar discussion at our house. Little guy asks for “six babies” or big girl wants a teenage sister, and they beg again. They’ve been in enough bad foster families to know what it is to have a family that commits to hang in there with you, and they want that for every kid. It happened again just last night when girly saw a facebook post over my shoulder about a waiting child, and then bedtime was a complete mess of meltdowns and we were reminded that the answer is “not right now” because we need to get everyone on a solid emotional path toward healing before we bring in another member and start working on another trauma narrative. Thanks for sharing your heart and for reminding us all that “not right now” is an okay answer. I remind myself that we don’t have to be done, to press pause. Life is long.

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