It’s the season for family, but it’s also a season for new beginnings. There was a celebration of the birth of the baby that we believe is our Savior. There is now the ushering in of a new year (2017, we can’t wait for you to come already). It is a season of new beginnings for our family too.
We’re ushering out the toxic relationships in our lives, and focusing on what is important. For us, that’s each other now. This Christmas was spent with only the family who have remained after Joe and I had some honest conversations. Joe, who is largely quiet and so very rarely confrontational, finally became tired of the toxicity too. He got tired of the unsaid hurting everyone, including our kids. Words were had, and the family that I called mine from birth no longer considers us that. I had my part in it too. I handled things poorly too, I’m sure of it. We were never a family that could talk through pain though. We were a family of blame. That never works. It didn’t in childhood. It certainly doesn’t in adulthood. My kids are old enough now to be hurt, and they had been, for a very long time by my family. It was important to show them that it’s okay to say tell someone when they’re hurting you. So, we told them.
In return, they cancelled their Christmas celebration with my children.
The lesson that my children walked away with was that sometimes telling people that you’re hurt causes the very fabric of your family to rip away, that it causes people to leave your life forever. That is a horrific lesson for a child who has already had that fabric rip once when their birth family had to, or chose to, walk away. It is unforgivable to me that this happened to them again, at the hands of people I thought loved me. There is no choice now but to start again, without them.
I spent all Christmas showing them that the fabric of this house, of this family, is indestructible.
We can’t be torn.
I am forever. There isn’t a thing they could say that would make me walk away, and certainly not ‘You hurt me.’ My God, I’ve spent my whole time as their mom trying to get them to be able to acknowledge emotional pain.
It might hurt to have people leave.
Not these people though. Not ever.
–FullPlateMom, who knows she isn’t alone in the loss of her family of birth. She lives in the right house to find support. If you’re facing that loss as well, you aren’t alone either.