Meeting Cam

I am entering these posts into the blog during the fall of 2021.  These entries were taken from handwritten journals that I kept during our first adoptions.  We had a failed adoption from Guatemala at the end of 2002.  Cam entered our lives in the very first days of 2003 through domestic adoption, quite a bit of pain was endured during that time.  If only I had known then what I know now.  None of these entries will reflect anything that I now know about what a child endures when they are ripped away from everything they know and placed with strangers.  These entries are here for my children, so their journey is chronicled, but they’re also here so you can learn from my mistakes.  

For our new son, Cameren James,

It’s Gotcha Day!  We flew to Atlanta today and drove to Augusta where you’re staying with your foster mom.  At 4pm we arrived in our hotel.  I was so nervous because I knew that in just one short hour you would be placed in our arms.  Your dad wasn’t too nervous, until about 4:55pm when we were both standing at the hotel room window anxiously awaiting your arrival.

True to her word, your foster mom arrived at 5pm.  She had her teenage daughter and 7-year-old with her.  We took a lot of pictures, you smiled and laughed for us!  We received a lot of instructions about caring for you.  Your foster mom’s daughter cried a little.  I guess she wanted to keep you?!?

We took more pictures and then went to eat at a nearby restaurant.  You slept in your infant seat the whole time.  I knew right then how easygoing you are.  Such a good baby.  We got back to the hotel, put you in your pajamas and rocked you to sleep.  You only woke up twice overnight, but I barely slept.  I guess I’m way too excited about being a new mom!

We Lost Our Daughter, Who Was Never Ours.

I am entering these posts into the blog during the summer of 2021.  These entries were taken from handwritten journals that I kept during our first adoptions.  We had a failed adoption from Guatemala at the end of 2002.  Cam entered our lives in the very first days of 2003 through domestic adoption, quite a bit of pain was endured during that time.  If only I had known then what I know now.  

Today we officially stopped Madi’s adoption.  I’m writing this in the last page of this journal.  That seems so fitting.  It was a horrible decision to make, but it had to be made.  The agency will not let us contact embassies ourselves in Madi’s case.  We have no way of knowing then if her birth mom really does want to make an adoption plan for her, or if this is trafficking?

We can’t do that.  We can’t do this without transparency.

The agency says that because we chose to end the adoption, they won’t be refunding any of our money.  My parents are paying for a lawyer for us.  We will sit down the lawyer next week and see what we can do.  If we can’t get that money back, then we won’t be parents.  We didn’t want to chance a pregnancy because of my health and how hard it would be on me.  Maybe that would have been a better answer?  We were so afraid that I would be out of work the entire time I was on bed rest.  We depend on my income.

But, now we’ve lost our life savings!

Our social worker won’t give us our home study, the approved and paid for one.  She says it is still approved, but it is “on hold” until we complete six months of therapy for our obvious anxiety.

She is giving us the anxiety!!!

I don’t know what will happen now.  I question every choice we made.  Should we have just kept going with the adoption.  I don’t know.

We are heartbroken.

A Meeting With Our Social Worker

I am entering these posts into the blog during the summer of 2021.  These entries were taken from handwritten journals that I kept during our first adoptions.  We had a failed adoption from Guatemala at the end of 2002.  Cam entered our lives in the very first days of 2003 through domestic adoption, quite a bit of pain was endured during that time.  If only I had known then what I know now.  

I couldn’t write before now because the last few weeks have been awful.  Madi’s DNA testing hasn’t cleared the Embassy in Guatemala, and we couldn’t get answers as to why.  The agency kept telling us not to question them, that we have to have mutual trust.  Our Social Worker recommended this agency.  She says they are very ethical.  So, should we trust them?

Joe thinks that’s garbage.  We have spent $20,000 here.  That is everything we have.  We saved for two and a half years to have that money.  He is panicked that they’re not being honest.  They won’t let us speak to our lawyer in Guatemala.

After much prayer, Joe called the U.S. embassy in Guatemala to check on our adoption case.

We were shocked.

No paperwork has been submitted.  Our daughter’s birth mother is not a Guatemalan citizen.  She is from El Salvador.  The embassy feels our lawyer is not being honest.  They have concerns about him trafficking children from El Salvador over the border into Guatemala for international adoption.

We didn’t know what to do.  So, we called our Social Worker.  She was SO angry that we had made that call.  She said there was an explanation for all of this, she was sure of it.  She demanded we meet in person on Friday.  After a long meeting, she told us we don’t have any mutual trust left.  She asked us if we wanted to continue this adoption.  We told her we were so stunned by the news from the embassy that we don’t know what to think.

She has told us that if we decide to end this adoption, then that is our choice, but that she will then require we do six months of couples therapy for our anxiety, because we are obviously not ready for the adoption process, and the uncertainties that come with it.  It would be another 18-24 months then before we could be parents!  She would require that we do our home study ALL OVER!!! We are devastated.

But, Madi’s birth mom is from El Salvador.  That doesn’t feel right?  We would need her papers to go through the embassy there too.  And, I want answers as to why she placed her in Guatemala?  Was she trafficked?  What is happening?

Joe wants to continue, but only if he is allowed to have direct communication with both embassies now.  I’m not sure they’ll allow that.

We might be losing our daughter.

We were so upset, we felt like we needed to get away for awhile.  Away from the house, with her nursery in it.  We are at a hotel in Minneapolis.  We’re spending the weekend in the city, enjoying the sites and just trying to escape this nightmare.

Second Anniversary.

I am entering these posts into the blog during the summer of 2017.  These entries were taken from handwritten journals that I kept during our first adoptions.  We had a failed adoption from Guatemala at the end of 2002.  Cam entered our lives in the very first days of 2003 through domestic adoption, quite a bit of pain was endured during that time.  If only I had known then what I know now.  

It’s our second anniversary tomorrow.  I can’t believe we’ve been married two years and together for SEVEN now.  Each individual day goes so slowly, but as a whole, it seems to have flown by.  Is that the way life works?  I hope so.  I want the time to fly by until Madi gets home.

We finally got more pictures!  She looks great.  I’m happy because she looks well cared for.  She looks well attached to her foster mother and brother.  Her crib is so scary though.  Paint is peeling and the bars are WAY too far apart.

She’s 11 months old today.

I am embarrassed to say that I spent an hour and a half at Toys R Us yesterday choosing birthday gifts for Madi.  I finally picked out a baby doll and matching backpack.  I also picked out a foldable booster seat to fit over a dining room chair.  That will be nice for all our travels.

I’m excited because the people who accepted the referral right before us have their DNA results back and are moving along.  I’m still hoping there is some sort of miracle and we get some movement before her first birthday!

 

No Results.

I am entering these posts into the blog during the summer of 2021.  These entries were taken from handwritten journals that I kept during our first adoptions.  We had a failed adoption from Guatemala at the end of 2002.  Cam entered our lives in the very first days of 2003 through domestic adoption, quite a bit of pain was endured during that time.  If only I had known then what I know now.  

Things with Madi’s adoption keep getting harder and harder.  Her DNA testing still isn’t done and we’re wondering why??? It has also been 2.5 months since we’ve had any updated photos or medical reports.  We still have no answers about the infection she had.

Our social worker thinks it would be a terrible idea for me to go and sit in Guatemala and wait this out, because this is our first baby and she says I’m so young.  I had a total melt down about it today.  Not at her, but to Joe.  There was crying, yelling, the works.  This is so awful, and completely out of our control.

I’m going to see the Reverend today.  I need to find another way to cope.  I hope she can relieve some of the stress of the unknown through prayer, not knowing when she’ll come home.  I’m afraid of Christmas this year, and it’s only August.  It wasn’t good last year, hoping over and over for a baby, and then it just being the two of us.

We returned all of Madi’s size 12 month clothes, there’s no way she’ll fit in them when we finally do get there.  There was more crying on the way to do that.

This is devastating.